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Consider a scenario where a friend plans to visit your city for two weeks on business and directly asks to stay at your home. Does this constitute a breach of etiquette? Your reaction might reveal whether you align with “Asker” or “Guesser” personality types. This concept, initially described in a 2007 web comment by Andrea Donderi, has recently gained significant traction online.
Donderi’s insightful observation posits that people generally fall into one of two categories:
Ask Culture
Individuals from an Ask Culture background are typically comfortable making direct requests for anything, understanding that a refusal is a possible and acceptable outcome.
Guess Culture
Conversely, those in a Guess Culture tend to avoid verbalizing requests unless they are reasonably confident of receiving a positive response. This approach relies on a complex network of shared expectations and subtle communication. A key aspect involves sending out delicate “feelers” to gauge the situation. With sufficient subtlety, a direct request might not even be necessary, as an offer could be extended. Even then, discerning the sincerity of such an offer requires further skill and sensitivity.
Oliver Burkeman explored Donderi’s dichotomy in a column for The Guardian, prompting various bloggers to delve deeper into the nuances of social etiquette. Their perspectives included:
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Potential for Conflict
Oliver Burkeman, in The Guardian, observed that while neither approach is inherently incorrect, friction often arises when Askers and Guessers interact. An Asker might not perceive a direct request for accommodation as rude, but a Guesser could interpret it as presumptuous and find it difficult to decline. Similarly, a boss requesting an early project completion might be an Asker who anticipates a potential refusal, whereas a Guesser employee might perceive it as an absolute expectation. This spectrum of communication styles also contributes to cross-cultural misunderstandings; for instance, business interactions in Guess-oriented Japan can be challenging for Brits and Americans, while Russians, often seen as strong Askers, might be perceived as rude.
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Intimacy and Indirectness
Julian Sanchez, a libertarian blogger, provided a sociological interpretation, suggesting that the polite indirectness characteristic of Guess Culture often serves to maintain deliberate ambiguity, particularly in relationships with an intermediate level of intimacy. Direct requests, he noted, are more common in relationships at either extreme: with close friends or complete strangers. Sanchez argued that indirectness in intermediate relationships helps navigate their inherent ambiguity, as a direct question at that stage could be seen as demanding a definitive judgment on an evolving connection. Julian Sanchez’s full reading is worth perusing.
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A Strong Stance: Guessers Are Wrong
Jonathan Chait of The New Republic took a firm stance, asserting that Guessers are incorrect and Askers are right. He argued that direct asking is the most effective way to ascertain desires and willingness. Chait viewed Guessing culture as a source of frustration, claiming that Guessers, despite their intentions to be polite, complicate interactions for others, especially those with less social discernment, turning social exchanges into potential minefields.
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Situational Flexibility
Austin Frakt, from The Incidental Economist, advocated for a more adaptable approach, emphasizing that assuming one communication style is universally superior overlooks the fluctuating nature of preferences. The urgency for a “yes” or “no” from a requester, and the likelihood of a “yes” or “no” from a requestee, can vary significantly over time. Therefore, it is logical for an individual to adopt an Asker approach for certain situations at particular times, and a Guesser approach for others, or even for the same situations at different times.
Does the Asker/Guesser model resonate with your experiences?
